


I've Got Issues and One of Them is How Bad I Need You

by Somekindofflower



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Marital Disagreement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 06:04:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20701151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somekindofflower/pseuds/Somekindofflower
Summary: AU from Under the Influence (14x05) where Abby doesn't let Luka off the hook after she asks him to come home and he refuses.Title from Julia Michaels’s Issues, which is a perfect song for Abby and Luka, in my opinion.





	I've Got Issues and One of Them is How Bad I Need You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mearcats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mearcats/gifts).

> Inspired by the ER rewatch of season 14 and being angry at Luka for being out of character and being an idiot. (I love him, but it's the truth.) I wanted Abby to tell him how she really felt, so here we are. For @mearcats as a belated birthday gift!

“Don’t make this harder.”

** **

In Abby’s hungover state, her head aches like it could split in two, but it’s still no match for the pain in her heart. Her mouth is dry and she needs to puke, but she has Joe right there, and it’s all far, far too much. She doesn’t often ask for anything, and she can’t remember her husband ever denying her when she has, but now he’s on the phone telling her not to ask, telling her not to make it harder.

** **

Harder for whom, exactly?

** **

She’s screwing this all up so badly. Independence is what she’s always aimed for, to be the person who can do this alone when she needs to, to let him do what he needs to do and be here, waiting and happy when he returns. But clearly she isn’t that person, as the taste in her mouth and the fact that she still wants another reminds her.

** **

Luka’s hurting over his father and feeling guilty about not being there for him for all those years. He promised her, though, he  _ promised _ they were in this together, that they would do this together, do life together and help each other when they need it and a week later, he left.

** **

That was fine. He needed to help his dad. At first. Now, though, it’s been weeks and months longer than it was supposed to be already, and he needs even more time?

** **

Maybe he just needs more freedom. Maybe he’s back with his real family and doesn’t want this one that they’ve built together anymore.

** **

Maybe the man she has trusted above all others, above anyone, ever, is a liar. Or maybe he changed his mind.

** **

All Abby wanted yesterday was Luka. Her coworkers, friends, they were wonderfully supportive, more than she had any right to expect. They still aren’t Luka.

** **

All she wants now is to rip into him until he feels as awful as she does. Until he feels as much of a screw up, as much of a terrible parent as she knows she is. Until he  _ gets it.  _ Rage overtakes her, and before she can release all the words she wants to say, she hangs up.

** **

It’s not the most mature response, and neither is how she ignores the ringing that follows a minute later, first from her cell and then the landline. She needs him to hear her, and he doesn’t want to right now. Why bother talking if he won’t listen? So she can lie and tell him it’s okay when it absolutely is not?

** **

If Luka can walk out of their conversation—or their marriage and life—when he feels like he can’t deal, so can she.

** **

* * *

** **

Work sucks that day. Abby is a hot mess, she knows it, and everyone around her knows it, though they seem sympathetic. Why can’t she do anything right?

** **

Luka keeps calling. After she’s lost count of how many times she hits ignore, she puts her phone on silent so at least she won’t get looks from all the patients whose care it’s interrupting.

** **

Frank manages to corral her at admit, looking annoyed as usual.

** **

“Hey, can you please call your old man? He’s ringing the phone off the hook, and I’ve got work to do.”

** **

“Tell him I’m busy and I can’t talk right now.” She’s seized by a slightly nasty impulse, and it makes her stomach churn, but she says it anyway. “Tell him  _ I  _ need more time.”

** **

Frank leans in closer and lowers his voice. “Are you okay? Are you two okay?”

** **

Abby swallows against the lump that rises in her throat. Despite his gruff exterior, she knows Frank genuinely does care for her and Luka, and her eyes start to tingle. She makes herself paste on a smile.

** **

“Yeah, I’m fine. Well, I’ll be fine, I...oh, Janet!” 

** **

She sees her sponsor and calls out to her, grabbing onto the lifeline, nodding at Frank in dismissal as they walk out.

** **

She’s out of earshot by the time the phone rings again and Frank answers in a grave tone: “You need to quit calling and get your ass back here YESTERDAY.”

** **

* * *

** **

Janet isn’t buying what Abby’s selling. Panic starts to rise when she realizes Janet doesn’t see this as a one-off, she doesn’t think Abby can handle it, she thinks she’s in a full-fledged relapse.

** **

What if she’s right?

** **

She’s not, she can’t be. But.

** **

They’ve been down this road before. But now she has Joe, and she has Luka, she’s getting her dream job, she has so many reasons to not let it get out of hand.

** **

Is it already, though?

** **

The fear grows as Janet then says she can’t be her sponsor anymore if she isn’t an alcoholic. 

** **

“I’ll be fine when Luka’s back, things will be better.”

** **

“Okay, then. See you around.”

** **

“Wait! I just. Janet.”

** **

If she lets Janet leave, if she doesn’t get hold of this, things could go really wrong. She’s tired of holding it in: the stress, the exhaustion, the weight of sole responsibility for Joe and holding down the fort and her residency, along with the pain and uncertainty of missing her husband. 

** **

“I shouldn’t need this. I should be able to stay sober on my own. I shouldn’t need you or Luka or—“

** **

“Or anything? Anybody?”

** **

“Yeah,” Abby whispers, though she knows it’s not the right answer. The tears she held back from Frank sting her eyes and start to spill over.

** **

“Abby, we all need other people. It is not a failure to be human.”

** **

She tries to choke back the tears and speak, but her throat is too tight. Janet puts an arm around her. 

** **

“Come to a meeting with me after your shift. I’m sure you can find someone to watch Joe.”

** **

Joe. Her son. Who needs her to be with him as much as possible. 

** **

Who also needs her to be HER and not checking out thanks to alcohol. No matter what she does, it’s possible Luka isn’t coming back, at least not for good. The thought makes her tremble and want to fight it, but it’s the truth. She can’t control him. This one thing is something she can do.

** **

“Okay. Okay.”

** **

* * *

** **

Fortunately the babysitter is good with staying for an extra couple of hours. Abby still has to fight her yearning to go home, but afterward, she feels better. It helps to not be isolated, to remember she isn’t the only one dealing with this.

** **

When she comes home, Joe is still up, getting a late bottle. He’s a little too old and it’s a little too late for him to be awake, but she gladly takes over. Whenever this happens, she cherishes the time to hold him close, to kiss and smell his soft hair. He won’t tell anyone about the tears that fall from her eyes, either.

** **

Once he’s asleep in his crib, she goes to the kitchen to get some food. The answering machine is blinking furiously, but she ignores it. It’s the middle of the night in Croatia. She won’t be able to sleep if she listens to his angry justifications without any way to answer back.

** **

Maybe she’ll feel like it in the morning, maybe she won’t.

** **

* * *

** **

She doesn’t. 

** **

Not out of spite or anger, but because she’s rushing and getting ready for work, while being hit with a hardcore craving—for Luka as much as alcohol, but only one is available to her. Listening might push her over the edge.

** **

Abby heads to work, still feeling like shit, all guilty and on edge. She keeps waiting for her cell phone to ring, or Frank or Javier to let her know about a call, but nothing comes. 

** **

Luka’s given up, at least for now. It’s not a relief.

** **

It’s a long-ass day. A long day, and the whole thing is ass. It finally ends, and she heads out into the ambulance bay.

** **

Luka’s there. 

** **

He’s sitting on the bench in the ambulance bay, with his suitcase, watching her. 

** **

For the moment, the anger and the pain and the fear and the guilt all lift, and she finds herself grinning through tears as she runs and jumps into his arms. She hasn’t felt this safe or held since he left and it’s such a relief to feel his arms enveloping her, one of his hands clutching her waist while the other smooths over her hair, his rough cheek against her own as she buries her face in his shoulder and revels in his breath against her ear.

** **

She’s missed him more than she even realized.

** **

She doesn’t want to let go. He eventually has to put her down, with a kiss to the side of her head and she shivers, both at the cool evening air and the loss of his touch. Her gaze drops to his chest as she feels all their issues creeping back in between them, creating a barrier. She hates this, hates being mad at him, and half of her wants to let it go, but she can’t.

** **

Luka grabs her face and leans in. “Abby, I…” There’s such desperation in his voice, and she closes her eyes against fresh tears. “I…”

** **

She looks up to see him fighting tears as well. There’s remorse in his eyes as he stares at her while trying to find his words, and her shoulders loosen at it. 

** **

“Let’s go home to Joe, and then we can talk.”

** **

His head slumps, but he nods and they head home to their son.

** **

* * *

** **

Abby doesn’t realize how afraid she’s been that Joe would forget Luka until she sees his face light up when Luka walks in. Thank God for that book and for Skype.

** **

Still, Joe is a little unsure. He reaches out for her from Luka’s hold and her heart twists as Luka winces and then hides the hurt. 

** **

The tiny bit of vindictiveness she feels is overtaken by the pain she feels for him. Joe won’t remember this, but Luka’s missed so much, and he can’t get that time back.

** **

Joe warms up over the next hour, starting by talking and playing with Luka from the safety of Abby’s lap, moving to play with him on the floor. When Joe finally plops down in Luka’s lap, a gasp escapes him and Abby can’t help but run her hand into his hair. He reaches up to grab her hand tightly and kiss her palm.

** **

* * *

** **

Joe allows Luka to give him his bottle and put him to bed, though he still demands that Abby read him  Goodnight Gorilla and give him two rounds of hugs and kisses before she can leave.

** **

Abby heads downstairs. She knows she ought to eat more than Joe’s leftover chicken nuggets but even the thought turns her stomach, so she gets a glass of water instead. The fear of their upcoming conversation (What’s he going to say? Why’d he come home? Why now?) is starting to get to her, so she putters around the kitchen, straightening things, anything to do with her hands and all this nervous energy.

** **

The counter is getting its third wiping (it’s never been this clean) when Luka comes down the stairs and starts shifting from foot to foot. She takes her time rinsing, squeezing out the rag, and draping it on the sink before turning to him.

** **

Good to know he still prefers looming awkwardly to spitting out words.

** **

“I don’t know what to say, Abby. I just. I’m sorry.”

** **

There’s a lump in her throat, so she clears it before answering. “For which, um, which part?”

** **

His face twists in confusion. “For not being here when Joe was hurt, for not having my phone when you called, for...I don’t know.”

** **

She sighs, still frustrated. “What made you come back?”

** **

“You never shut me out like that. Not since the first time we broke up. It, uh, it scared the shit out of me.”

** **

“I didn’t—” she stops short of saying she didn’t mean to, because she did, at least a little. “I couldn’t pretend it was okay anymore.”

** **

Luka looks troubled at that. “How long have you been so upset without telling me?”

** **

A wave of annoyance washes over her. “I don’t know, Luka, it built up over time. I mean, first you were going to get all his treatments set up, for a couple weeks, and then you were going to stay until he was done with chemo, and we were going to get Joe’s passport and come visit in the meantime, and then chemo was done and you had to fix up his house, but you still didn’t ask us to come, and I…”

** **

The hurt overwhelms her and she cuts herself off.

** **

“You—you thought I didn’t want to be with you and Joe?” He sounds so incredulous that the annoyance comes right back.

** **

“Well, Luka, what the hell was I supposed to think? You took off a week after our wedding, and I understood. Then you sounded so happy over there and...I know we don’t say how we feel a lot, you usually show me. That only works when you’re  _ here.  _ When you’re sounding so happy and staying away and not asking us to come, it—your actions were pretty loud. We were more married before the wedding than we have been since.”

** **

He looks sick. “God, Abby, I didn’t think, I didn’t—I didn’t think. My father was right, I’m an idiot.”

** **

“Your father?”

** **

Luka nods and comes closer, watching carefully for her to object, and grabbing her hand when she doesn’t. 

** **

“Yeah, yesterday when you wouldn’t answer any of my calls and then Frank yelled at me,”

** **

Frank yelled at him? Eh, she’ll come back to that.

** **

“I was, uh, pretty upset, and I went to talk to him. I told him what happened with Joe and what you said.”

** **

Abby’s face heats. That’s not how she would have chosen to introduce herself to her father-in-law.

** **

“He told me I was an idiot, and then he asked what the old me would think of what I was doing—the me from the last time I visited him. That me would kick my ass.”

** **

That would have been the winter after they broke up the first time, when he went to Bosnia, and it makes her wonder what he was like then, when she couldn’t see him. Also, Josip Kovač the elder sounds like someone she’d like to know.

** **

“It killed me, being away from you and from Joe. Like I was missing a limb. It was easier to ignore it, to compartmentalize it. I never thought you’d think you aren’t the most important person in my life.”

** **

She wipes her tears with her hand and he wraps his arm around her shoulder.

** **

“I thought with the wedding, I thought being married would clear that up for you. I didn’t think about how I expected you and Joe to sit here without anything changing, like I could put a pin in our life here and it would be exactly the same when I got back. Our life isn’t frozen, it’s not concrete, and I needed to be reminded of that.”

** **

He pulls her to stand in front of him as he leans against the counter.

** **

“I’m sorry. I’m here, I—all I want is you, Abby.”

** **

Luka opens his arms in tentative invitation and she falls against him. She cries against him, the relief that he still loves her and wants their life together mingling with the shame and fear that she now has to tell him about her drinking.

** **

He kisses the top of her head, then her cheek, then he’s cupping her cheeks and kissing her and oh, how she has missed this, missed him, and her thoughts go fuzzy as his hands start to roam. He’s back, right here, and they’re—well, they’re not okay, but they’re on their way—and it’s been so  _ long _ , talk about a craving.

** **

The reminder makes her pull away abruptly and Luka almost whines before pulling his hands away. 

** **

“Is this not okay?” He looks shocked and dismayed. She can’t blame him, it’s not her MO to ever stop him.

** **

“This is, uh, more than okay, but I have to tell you something and I need to do it before I chicken out.”

** **

His brow furrows and she’s thankful that she didn’t eat more because she would probably be losing it.

** **

“The other night, after Joe got hurt, and he was in bed, I um...Neela had left some stuff here and there was a bottle of wine and I...I drank, Luka. I was so upset and lonely and it was such a horrible day and I just…I’m sorry.”

** **

She closes her eyes. She can’t bear to see Luka look at her with disappointment.

** **

“No, Abby, I...I’m sorry.”

** **

“Don’t. I didn’t realize how much I was relying on you for that until it happened, but I was.”

** **

She glances up at him and he looks so wrecked that she can’t help but grab his hand. 

** **

“Can you, uh, can you stop?”

** **

“I haven’t had any since, but it’s been hard. I talked to Janet yesterday and we went to a meeting. I need to keep doing that, regularly. And I probably need us to not have any in the house.”

** **

He runs his free hand over his face. “I’m so sorry, Abby, I never thought...I don’t think of you as needing me.”

** **

She chuckles mirthlessly. “Apparently I’m good at faking it. I don’t  _ want  _ to need anyone, but I really need you, Luka. I shouldn’t need you in order to be sober, but I do right now, and even when that’s under control, I do need you to, I don’t know, live  _ life  _ with me, to be my husband. It’s hard for me to say that, but it’s the truth. Growing up, with my dad, and then Maggie...I couldn’t let myself need them, or I’d die.”

** **

That cuts him to the quick, the pain stark on his face, and she almost takes it back, but she can’t. 

** **

“I’m not saying it’s the same, I don’t think you’re like them, but it still felt like…”

** **

Abby knows it’s a bit much to lay on him, with his negative opinion of both her parents, but she’s tired of holding back and pretending. Tired of both of them assuming they know the other well enough to always communicate without words. She doesn’t finish the thought, but he hears it anyway, that it felt like he abandoned them.

** **

“Come here,” he says, pulling her into his chest and she gladly goes. Even though she’s still hurt and angry underneath because this is too big to magically disappear with an apology, there’s nowhere she’d rather be than in his arms. 

** **

Luka trembles, and when he speaks again, his voice is tight from crying. “Abby, you’re everything to me. You always have been. I’m going to make sure you know that from now on, okay?”

** **

She nods against him and clenches his sweater in her hand. There’s one more thing she needs settled tonight, and then hopefully they can stop talking about it. 

** **

“What if you have to go back?”

** **

“If I have to go back, you and Joe are coming with me. I won’t stay so long again either way. I don’t think I could make myself get on a plane again without you, anyway.”

** **

Abby sighs heavily as the last huge weight falls off her shoulders. She probably will have more to say, but tonight she’s too brittle and worn out. There’s still some uncertainty, some doubt that things might go back to the status quo tomorrow, but she’s choosing to hope. It’s much easier to do that when she can see him and touch him in the flesh.

** **

Wordlessly, she leads him upstairs and they ready themselves for bed. All her tears had already been cried, so she thought, but the sound of him walking around the bathroom and running the water and brushing his teeth is so familiar and mundane and miraculous that her eyes well and spill over yet again.

** **

This is how he finds her when he returns, and he slips under the covers with her. She shrugs at the question he isn’t asking. “I just missed you. And I love you.”

** **

Their bodies move into each other naturally, face to face, one arm under her while their legs tangle, and his other hand cups her cheek and she tries not to clutch at his chest too tightly with her own hands.

** **

“I missed you too. And I love you too, so much. I’m sorry I don’t say it more, it just doesn’t feel...I don’t know. Enough.”

** **

Abby strokes his cheek then, feeling the strength of his regret in the telltale dampness against her palm. When she moves in to kiss him, a little cry escapes him before he kisses her back like his life depends on it. 

** **

There’s some sadness in them both, some desperation to test and prove their connection is still there, strong as ever. It is, she can feel it, the tenderness rising to match the growing passion. It’s bittersweet, but she doesn’t hesitate to say yes when he asks if she’s sure she’s ready. The words have been said and now they can say them over again in the language they both prefer.

** **

In the morning, she almost doesn’t want to open her eyes, afraid it might not have been real. Then his fingers tighten around hers and she opens her eyes to see him smiling at her.

** **

Luka’s here, and they’re going to be okay.

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
